When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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