2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
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He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
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Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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