oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I have feelings that need drinking.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
