I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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