I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
