There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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