My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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