I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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