you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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