My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
