My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
