mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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