What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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