im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
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