I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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