Got a toothbrush?
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
