im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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