Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
