so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
