So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize
