I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
