I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
