Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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