You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
