I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
