Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
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It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
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Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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