I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
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I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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