One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
