____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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