I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
