Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
