vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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