I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
