Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
