I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Vodka?
Forever.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
