I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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