No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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