so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
