he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
