you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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