I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
