Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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