I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
