You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
