you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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