I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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