just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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