I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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