I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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