yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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