I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
