dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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