He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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