Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
