he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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